i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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