I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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