maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
