Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
