Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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