He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
