she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
