you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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