??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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