and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
