I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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