Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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