i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
