So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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