She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
