was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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