nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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