Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
