Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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