I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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