I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
