She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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