got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Can you bring me the toilet please
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
