ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's never too late to be topless.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
