she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
