you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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