do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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