ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
