break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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