She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
