Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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