I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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