Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
