Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So vagazzling was a success
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
