In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
