Screwed.edu
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Vodka?
Forever.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
