so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
