Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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