I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Drake has all the answers
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
