I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
