My underwear smells like fireworks.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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