I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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