yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you never un-have a 4some
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
