This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
