Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
