Fine. I'll sleep in my office
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
