i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
