He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
