got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
