I am spending my child support on dildos
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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