I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
